Royster Oysters   My Pearls of Wisdom

•  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

•  Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

•  Acupuncture:  a jab well done.

•  Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

•  The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

•  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

•  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

•  No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.


• I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”

• I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either

• I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again

• I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up

• I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me

• I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there

• I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it


• There are spaces between our fingers so that another person’s fingers can fill them in.

•  You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. 

• The average human heart beats 100,000 times a day.  Make those beats count.

• There is no greater joy, nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone’s life.

•  Nobody will believe in you unless you believe in yourself.

•  The opportunity for brotherhood presents itself every time you meet a human being.

• Minds are like parachutes … they only function when open.

• Life is an escalator:  you can move forward or backward you cannot remain still.

• A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.


 Before passing judgment, first treat others with courtesy, dignity, and respect.  Unknown

• Three things in human life are important:  The first is to be kind.  The second is to be kind.  And the third is to be kindHenry James

 The game of life is the game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy.  Florence Shinn

• When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either. Leo Burnett

Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatalMike Ditka

 Education is when you read the fine print.  Experience is what you get if you don’tPete Seeger

• Truce is better than frictionCharles Herguth

• We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sailsBertha Calloway


Spring Training Is Here…

• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.Dave Barry

• The way to make coaches think you’re in shape in the spring is to get a tan. — Whitey Ford

• If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.Bill Veeck

• Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw.  He always pitches when the other team doesn’t score any runs.Tim McCarver

• Third ain’t so bad if nothin’ is hit to you.Yogi Berra

• All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader. – George F. Will

• He looks like a greyhound, but he runs like a bus. — George Brett

• If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching.Jack Harshman

• There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball.  Unfortunately, neither one of them works.Charlie Lau

• Us ballplayers do things backward.  First we play, then we retire and go to work.Charlie Gehringer

• Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.Joe Adcock


 • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

• A will is a dead giveaway.

• A backward poet writes inverse.

• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

• A calendar’s days are numbered.

• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine!


• Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are.
Malcolm Forbes

• Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.
David Starr Jordan

• The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
Harriet Beecher Stowe

• There’s nothing like a newborn baby to renew your spirit — and to buttress your resolve to make the world a better place.
Virginia Kelley

• While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die — whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.
Gilda Radner

• No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?
Lee Iacocca


• The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he’s part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”
– Unknown

• There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
Booker T. Washington

• A true friend knows our weaknesses, but shows you your strengths; feels your fears, but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties, but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities, but emphasizes your possibilities.
William Arthur Ward

• True friends are those who really know you, but love you anyway.
Edna Buchanan

• Trouble is a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances.  Those too big to pass through are our friends.
Arlene Francis

• Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
Jennie Jerome Churchill

• There are two ways of spreading lights:  to be a candle or the  mirror that reflects it.
Edith Wharton

• Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux   

• Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth .. tame the dragon and the gift is yours.
Noela Evans   


• Behind every successful man is his woman.   Behind the fall of a successful man is usually    another woman.

• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

• I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure.

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen




• If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
– Jay Leno

• The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– Henry Cate, VII

• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
– Aesop

• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
– Will Rogers

• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
– Nikita Khrushchev

• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
– Clarence Darrow

• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
– John Quinton

• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Author unknown

• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringer

• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
– Adlai Stevenson, 1952

• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
– Tex Guinan

• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
– Charles de Gaulle

• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
– Doug Larson

• There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
– Will Rogers