Royster Oysters My Pearls of Wisdom
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”
• I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either
• I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again
• I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up
• I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me
• I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there
• I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it
• There are spaces between our fingers so that another person’s fingers can fill them in.
• You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
• The average human heart beats 100,000 times a day. Make those beats count.
• There is no greater joy, nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone’s life.
• Nobody will believe in you unless you believe in yourself.
• The opportunity for brotherhood presents itself every time you meet a human being.
• Minds are like parachutes … they only function when open.
• Life is an escalator: you can move forward or backward you cannot remain still.
• A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.
• Before passing judgment, first treat others with courtesy, dignity, and respect. Unknown
• Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. Henry James
• The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy. Florence Shinn
• When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either. Leo Burnett
• Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal. Mike Ditka
• Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t. Pete Seeger
• Truce is better than friction. Charles Herguth
• We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. Bertha Calloway
Spring Training Is Here…
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base. — Dave Barry
• The way to make coaches think you’re in shape in the spring is to get a tan. — Whitey Ford
• If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. — Bill Veeck
• Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn’t score any runs. — Tim McCarver
• Third ain’t so bad if nothin’ is hit to you. — Yogi Berra
• All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader. – George F. Will
• He looks like a greyhound, but he runs like a bus. — George Brett
• If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. — Jack Harshman
• There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works. — Charlie Lau
• Us ballplayers do things backward. First we play, then we retire and go to work. — Charlie Gehringer
• Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster. — Joe Adcock
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• A calendar’s days are numbered.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine!
• Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are.
– Malcolm Forbes
• Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.
– David Starr Jordan
• The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
–Harriet Beecher Stowe
• There’s nothing like a newborn baby to renew your spirit — and to buttress your resolve to make the world a better place.
– Virginia Kelley
• While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die — whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.
– Gilda Radner
• No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?
– Lee Iacocca
• The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he’s part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”
• There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
– Booker T. Washington
• A true friend knows our weaknesses, but shows you your strengths; feels your fears, but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties, but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities, but emphasizes your possibilities.
–William Arthur Ward
• True friends are those who really know you, but love you anyway.
– Edna Buchanan
• Trouble is a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances. Those too big to pass through are our friends.
– Arlene Francis
• Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
– Jennie Jerome Churchill
• There are two ways of spreading lights: to be a candle or the mirror that reflects it.
– Edith Wharton
• Only the mediocre are always at their best.
– Jean Giraudoux
• Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth .. tame the dragon and the gift is yours.
– Noela Evans
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen
• If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
– Jay Leno
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– Henry Cate, VII
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
– Will Rogers
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
– Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
– Clarence Darrow
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
– John Quinton
• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Author unknown
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringer
• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
– Adlai Stevenson, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
– Tex Guinan
• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
– Charles de Gaulle
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
– Doug Larson
• There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
– Will Rogers